Mission Schnozmo
by Anti-Jack
Summary: Story of how Mama and Papa Cosma met, also the conception of Schnozmo and birth.
1. Conception

Bernie opened his eyes slowly. _Where am I?_ "Mom? Dad?" he asked, looking up, searching for his glasses. Something ran a hand along his back. And he remembered. He was at.. was at.. _I__ have to get back home! My parents are gonna be livid! _"Look, Eliza, I-" he began, but a soft hand held a finger to his lips.

"Not yet, I've got to take you for another swing," came the sweet feminine voice of the most popular girl in school, Eliza.

"Eliza, I gotta get home, my dad-" he tried.

"Fine! Go! I don't care. Just go, you already ruined it. I had fun anyway," Eliza said, pushing herself away with disgust.

_Why wasn't she wearing any... _"Eliza..?" Bernie asked in horror.

"What?" she asked, yanking her skirt up.

"Please tell me we _didn't,_" Bernie said, flopping back onto the bed. He could just make out her smile.

"Oh, we _did,_ and you made me the happiest girl in the world," she said sweetly, putting her bra on.

"But I'm in Senior High, Eliza!" he said, "My dad is gonna kill me _and _you."

"Hey, you agreed," Eliza said, fixing her tangled and messy hair.

"But I don't even remember," he protested.

"Let's just say I assisted you," she said, putting her hair into a ponytail.

"_You drugged me?_" Bernie said, shooting up and banging his head on the headboard. "Ow!"

"Let's not answer that."

"Where's your mom and dad?"

"Duh, on vacation."

"Oh God, this is just frickin' messed up," Bernie said, putting his glasses on. He realized he too had nothing on. "Oh my God, this is _messed up!_"

"What? It's normal."

Bernie covered himself with the blankets. "Get out," he said. "I'm gonna dress when you get out."

Eliza threw her head back and laughed. "You silly boy, I already stole your secrets. Give up."

"_Get out, Lizzie!__"_ he shouted.

"Fine, fine," she said, poofing out of the room.

He yanked his clothes on, thinking of the worst outcome of this all. _Probably Mom going into a rage and putting me in military school, _he thought.

He emerged from the bedroom fully dressed. Eliza floated over to him. "Feel better? Feel like a man? Feel like a king?" she asked.

"No, I feel like I've committed the worst crime imaginable. Like giving Fairy World to the Antis," he said.

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad," she said.

"Yes, it is, and I've got to get home. It was nice meeting you, Eliza, and have a nice day," Bernie said, poofing out of there as fast as he could.

He curled into a ball in his room. What horrors would happen from this incident? What would happen to him? Would his parents dis-

The door swung open. "Bernie! Where have you been? Your father and I have been worried sick!" came the voice of his mother.

"Mom, I-" he began, "Mom, I love you," he said, throwing his arms around her.

Rose looked at her son for a moment, surprised. When was the last time he'd hugged her? She hugged him back.

"Mom, promise me you'll never disown me," he said.

"What? Why would I do that, Bernie?"

"Just promise me."

"I will never disown you, Bernie. No matter what, I'm your mother who loves you."


	2. Are you?

Bernie emptied his insides into the toilet. _This is ridiculous, what did I eat that gave me food poisoning? And why isn't this out of my system yet? And why do I all of a sudden want hamburgers? _

"Bernie? Bernie, are you okay?" his father asked softly, opening the door.

"How am I supposed to know?" Bernie groaned, feeling his insides heave again. "I only sit here in the bathroom and puke all day."

Gonzo leaned against the wall slightly. His wings fluttered furiously. "This is more then food poisoning, kid. Something's goin' on. Is there something you're not telling me?"

Bernie's thoughts flashed to the morning he'd got up naked with Eliza. But she wasn't stupid. She'd used protection, right? Right? Right.

"Dad, can you buy me some hamburgers? Well , never mind, I'll get 'em myself," Bernie said, getting up and washing his mouth out.

"Ham-" began his father.

"I said I'll get 'em," Bernie said.

Gonzo moved out of the door's path and let his son exit.

Rose watched Bernie leave quickly, flushed red.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked, floating over to him.

"Yep. Fine. A-okay. Wonderful. Anything else, Mom?" Bernie asked.

"What stole your wand today?" Rose asked sarcastically.

"Nothing. Just can I go?" Bernie asked, poofing away.

Five minutes later he reappeared with a huge bag of takeout. Bernie sat down at the table, spilled out the hamburgers, dumped peanut butter on them and began eating.

"Hamburgers? But you're vegetarian!" Rose protested.

"I really don't care any more. I love this stuff," Bernie said, his mouth full.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "Are you pregnant?" she asked.

Bernie spit out the now- chewed-up hamburger. "Am I- " he began, but he was promptly choking on his food.

Rose stared at him, deep in thought. "Yes, now come to think of it, this all seems to be fitting in with that night you didn't come home.. Your symptoms fit the famous Cosma pregnancy to a T, sweetie."

"And how would you know? You're a girl," Bernie said simply.

"And you think I haven't dealt with the aftermath of your father's, shall we say, 'issues'? Trust me, kid. I've been barfed on, sent to the store in the middle of the night to get something random, screamed at, cried on, and sat on."

"Sat on?" Bernie asked.

"Yes, well, when he was pregnant with your sister, he kind of fell on me from her weight..."

"I don't even know why I'm talking and listening to you about this. She used protect- I mean I can't be having a baby."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Say again?"

"I said I can't be-" Bernie said, realizing he's made a mistake.

"The thing you stopped yourself from saying," Rose said.

"I said she used protection."

"I knew it! I knew it by that look! Now who was it?"

"Classified, Mom."

"Fine. Finish your food. I'll find out some other way."

Bernie thought about the protection thing. _Did she really, or am I gonna be.. _God, he didn't even want to think about it.

However, he had the right to know. He could just get a you-know-what, or he could wait and see...

_Let's just find out the quick way. Store or hospital? Hospital? Public. Store then house? Not public. Gaaah, which one? Store. Fine. _

"Dad? I'm going to the store to buy.. uh.. cereal.." Bernie called.

"Alright!" came the call of his father, who was obviously not interested.

Bernie poofed to the store. Being he was younger then a normal male customer buying a you-know-what, he went through the self-checkout, and bought some cereal to make sure his parents wouldn't be suspicious.

When he got home, he simply mumbled, "Got the cereal, dad." and went upstairs.

_Okay, let's see now.._

_Pink is positive, blue is negative, wow... This is easy.._

Bernie took the test and waited for the results. _And when it comes back negative, I'll laugh in her face._

Then he heard it. Distant, but surely his mother calling, "BERNIE! Bernie! Where'd you go?"

He had to hide it, so he shoved it in the cabinet. He poofed out quickly, making sure he was in his room.

"Bernie where.. Oh, there you are.. Some girl named Eliza called."

"Uh.. I don't know a Eliza.." Bernie said, looking at a magazine casually.

"Alright, must've been a wrong number," Rose said, turning and leaving.

He went back to the bathroom and pulled out the you-know-what. It was..

Pink.

_No. _

**_No._**

_**No.**_

He paled and in his shock dropped it. _Eliza! _


	3. Not good

Bernie looked down. He was just over a month, they'd said. And just over a month since... Since that..

How was he going to take care of a baby? And tell his parents? Pfft, forget it. Tell Eliza? Pfft, forget it. He had no income, no life, no job, _ugh! _

_What am I gonna do? _Maybe he could hide it.. Maybe put a extra shirt on, stay in his bedroom more often, and when he had the baby..

Well, he'd think about that later. He _was _seventeen, and he _could _try to get a apartment, but he was hoping for college one day!

_Dang it, Eliza. _It wasn't fair. He'd worked so hard for _his _future and now he had to worry about some other kid's future. Heh, he'd probably get called 'Papa Cosma' for the rest of his life by his classmates.

He was practically raped, could he get a restraining order? _God, Bernie, think about the thing that's growing inside you against your will. _

And he thought he was ready to be an adult. _Let's see, by the time I have the baby I'll be eighteen, but by the time I would be eighteen, I'd be way too big to get a job. _

_This is not working. Crud._

Bernie stared intently at his belly, half hoping that it would shrink. _I mean, look at me. I'm already getting fat. Within two weeks my shirts'll be too small. _

He placed a hand on his belly. "Disappear," he whispered. Of course, nothing happened. "Come back another day," he said. Nothing.

Oh well, he could hide the child for at least a week.

He put on his shirt, and looked down again. Still a slight bulge, and knowing his father, Gonzo would spot it a mile away.

He put on his old sweater. Much better, he looked normal now.

He poofed downstairs. "Mom, is my lunch ready?'' he asked.

Rose held out a brown bag. ''Wheat bread, olives, ketchup, mayo, ham and roast beef, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes."

"Thanks, Mom," Bernie said quickly, floating out the door.

"But wait," his mother called.

"What?" he asked.

"It's July, why are you wearing a sweater?"

"I'm cold," Bernie said quickly. "And the bus is outside. Gotta go."

Eliza sat down next to him. "Hello, Bernzy."

"Don't call me that. And man, you perfume stinks. I think I've got to.." Bernie began, but he hurled and sent purple goo everywhere.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Eliza.

"Um, nothing.. Just a little _morning sickness._"

"What? Who's the lucky girl? I mean, are you pregnant? At your age?''

"Yes, I'm pregnant. Thanks to _you._"

"W-What? How? It was only one time, I mean-" Eliza began.

"Thanks a lot, Lizzie. Just thanks. What I needed at seventeen. A baby."

"I-I don't understand, Bernie.."

"Congrats, Eliza, you're gonna be a mom. Can't you understand that?" Bernie asked, standing up the moment the bus stopped.

"I-"

"Don't bother. I don't want to see you again," he snapped, getting off the bus and entering the school, leaving Eliza to just sit there.


	4. School

"Good morning, class. Today we'll be learning about the anatomy of anti-fairies," Ms. Sparkleheart was saying.

All the class groaned. The absolute last thing they cared about was most definitely anti-fairies.

"Now I know you don't like the idea, but, let's face it, everyone here has an anti-fairy running around. Now as you know, anti-fairies are the opposite of the fairies. Mean, ruthless, stupid, smart, blue, et cetera," she said.

Bernie wasn't paying attention. He was trying not to notice that nearly every girl in his class had perfume, and the combined scent of apricots, lilacs, roses, and the new perfume, Innocence, was making him sick to his stomach. Something poked his shoulder. He turned.

"Dude, you all right?" asked a red-haired boy fairy. It was Bernie's friend, DJ.

"Sure," Bernie said, and set his head on the desk.

"You're kinda pale," DJ pointed out.

"Yeah. Did you notice that all the girls are wearing perfume?"

"Uh, yeah. Can't tell 'em apart, though, 'cause they're always together, judging boys and stuff," DJ said, shrugging.

"I can tell you what they're wearing. Shannon over there's wearing the apricot perfume. Louisa is wearing vanilla scented perfume. Linda and Maxine are wearing lilac, Cheyenne, Hailey, and Rocky are wearing rose, and Eliza, Marie, Coco, Daphne, and Terry are wearing that new one Innocence," Bernie said, waving his hand to push away the smell. "It's making me sick, man."

"Wow, you're good. How'd you do that?" DJ asked, glancing up at Ms. Sparkleheart, who was drawing on the chalkboard.

"Did you eat a breakfast burrito?" asked Bernie.

"Uh, yeah. What flavor?"

"Ham and cheese. Cheddar."

"You could earn some money, y'know, if you did the 'what did you eat for breakfast' thing," DJ said.

"Oh, God, no. I'd throw up."

"Pay attention!" scolded Ms. Sparkleheart, who was now standing between the two boys' seats.

"Shoot! Sorry, Sparky, we'll pay attention. Right, Mr. Burns?"

"Don't call me Mr. Burns. It's Bernie,'' Bernie scowled, putting his head back down on the desk.

Ms. Sparkleheart glanced at Bernie. "Are you okay?" she asked softly, bending over.

"Yep. If I look pale, it's because I got the flu a while back. I'm fine now," Bernie said, feeling sicker as her perfume, Smart, flooded his area.

"Hmm. Want the school nurse to check it out?"

"No, please. But.. Can I go to the bathroom..?" Bernie asked. He couldn't take it any more.

"Uh, sure?" Ms. Sparkleheart said slowly.

"Thanks," Bernie said, making a mad poof to the toilet.


	5. One month to go

Bernie slumped in his bed. The unborn, now nearly the size of a basketball, made a bulge in the covers. He had had no choice but tell his parents, and let's just say that it didn't have the desired effect.

-Flashback-

_"Who is she? Wait 'till I get my hands on her! She won't fly for a century!" _his mother had said.

_"I knew it. On the bright side-" _

_"THERE IS NO BRIGHT SIDE, GONZO!"_

_-_Flashback ends-

Bernie looked at his stomach. "So, on top of all of this, I don't even know if you can hear me, but.. So not only are your grandparents mad, but your mom is going to be socially dead. So what do you think of that?" he asked, poking his stomach. He felt something move inside him.

"What the..?" he asked, rubbing his belly. "Are you moving now? Great. I see. Um, this is weird.." he said, flushing red.

The alarm rang, it was time for him to go to school, but because of last night, he hadn't been sleeping well.

He sighed and rolled out of bed carefully. He dressed in the dark, with the curtains closed. His school shirt under his hoodie, because his school shirt was _kind of _tight. His hoodie was the only thing that fit any more. He swung open the door and clambered down the stairs.

His father looked up. "Are you okay? You never get up the moment the alarm goes off."

"Didn't sleep good," mumbled Bernie.

"Is the grandkid okay?" Gonzo asked.

"Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't look like I'd eaten a bowling ball," Bernie said, pouring a bowl of cereal.

Gonzo laughed. "But that's not as bad as it gets, kiddo. Wait 'till labor starts," he said, "Then we'll have some problems."

Bernie rolled his eyes. "But I'm not due 'till September."

Gonzo shook his head. ''Hey, I had you early. And I think your bus is here.. Early."

Bernie shoved the cereal in his mouth and gathered his lunch. "Where's Mom?" he asked.

"On the hunt for your partner," Gonzo said.

Bernie's eyes widened. "Oh, _God._"

"Don't worry. I'm sure she'll be back."

Bernie nodded and headed out the door. He hoisted himself up the step and chose his seat by the window.

Man, he was tired. What if he just closed his eyes...

He woke up to feel something putting its arm around him. He opened his eyes and saw.. _Eliza. _

She smiled at him and placed the hand around him on his stomach. "I'm here for you, Bernie. Okay? I'm sorry, but please, just trust me. I'm here. We can get married, I'll get a job, just please.." she looked at him with tears in her eyes, and ran her free hand through his hair. "I love you, and this baby is a miracle."

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'm asleep and this is a ridiculous dream, you making up and saying you'll do anything for the baby. Right?"

"Uh.. actually, no. I'm really here," she said, pinching his wrist softly.

Bernie jumped as the baby kicked again. He looked up at Eliza, who was smiling wider.

_I guess that shows that it knows who its mom is. _

The bus lurched to a stop, and Bernie got up and, hand in hand, walked with Eliza to the door. And then his heart dropped to the floor.

His _mother _was standing outside, with a butterfly net and a baseball bat. "Eliza," he said.

"What?" she asked, still rubbing his belly.

"You gotta go, my mom's gonna KILL you."

Eliza looked out the window, and watched Rose float towards her. "Oh, crap. You're right," she said, swinging open the door and flying as fast as she could down the street.


	6. The hospital

Bernie placed both hands on his belly as he sat in the waiting room. His baby squirmed inside him, but there was nothing he could do about it. "Little one, I hate to tell you- but you don't have much room left," Bernie said softly. He was waiting for his new girlfriend to be let out, because, unfortunately, his mother caught Eliza, tore both wings, gave her a black eye and broke her ankle. _Yikes. _Just for a joke, he and Eliza agreed, before Eliza passed out from her injuries, that he would call himself Papa Cosma and her Mama Cosma, they liked the ring to it. His mother was in jail right now, awaiting bail. His father sat next to him, there only because one, she was the mother of his grandchild, and two, she was going to be his daughter in law.

"Gaah," Bernie said, scratching the side of his belly.

"Hmm?" asked Gonzo. "Is everything okay?"

"The baby won't stop kicking- Ow, there it goes again," Bernie said.

"Getting restless in there, eh?" asked Gonzo, leaning forward to talk to Bernie's baby.

"Dad, we're in public, they'll see."

"So let 'em see! Heck, you're pregnant and proud of it, right?"

"Err, look! There's the nurse!" Bernie said, drawing his father's attention off his baby and on the nurse.

"You may come in now, Mr. Cosma," said the nurse, glancing at his belly.

"Don't ask," Bernie said, poofing into Eliza's room.

Eliza turned and looked at Bernie. "Your Mum's quite.. interesting," she said.

"I'm _so _sorry she went berserk on you, Mama," Bernie said, flushing.

"Eh, she wasn't too scary. Especially when the police came."

"Um, that was kinda funny. Like when she swore and started flying away," Bernie said, recalling the look on his mother's face. "So, are you gonna be able to fly again?"

"Oh, yes, it'll take time, however."

"Like how long?" he asked, "Like will you be flying by the time our baby's born?"

"Depends. When's the baby due?"

"Uh, in September," Bernie said, flushing again.

"I should be," Eliza said.

"Yeow- Stop it, would you?" Bernie asked.

"What?" Eliza asked, confused.

"Sorry, but this baby _won't stop kicking,_" Bernie said, patting his stomach. "Yes, I know you're there. Ever since last night this kid's been kicking. And it hurts because there's really no room left in there for it. It's like it's glad it can move."

Eliza stretched out a hand to feel. "May I?" she asked, now flushing herself.

"You did it before, didn't you? Uh.."

She placed her hand on his belly once again, and immediately Bernie felt the child kick.

"Oh!" she cried, yanking her hand back. "It kicked my hand!"

"Heh," Bernie said, turning redder every second.

The nurse came in. "It's time for her rest, you should leave, sir."

Bernie looked up. "Uh, sure."

Eliza waved. "Goodbye, Papa," she said, smiling.

"'Bye," Bernie said, poofing out. "Dad, let's get outta here."


	7. Pool Party

Bernie sighed loudly. He was unbearably uncomfortable, especially when it was August, the warmest month of the year.

"Ugh..." he moaned, arching his back and taking off his hoodie.

"Dude," whispered DJ, leaning over from his seat in class. "If you're hot, why don't you come to my pool party today after school?"

Bernie sighed and stared at his belly. His school shirt didn't even cover it. "I guess so, I think I'll come. If my swim trunks still fit, that is."

DJ grinned. "Hey, there's gonna be chicks there too. Awesome, right?"

Bernie shrugged. "I guess. You realize that once I turn eighteen me and Eliza are gonna get married, right?"

DJ gasped. "Oh, my God, you're kidding."

Bernie looked up at the chalkboard. "We're learning about bad luck..?"

"Yes, it's like, totally Anti-fairy week," said Daphne, checking her nails.

"I know. But we're the fairies- why do _we _have to learn?"

"Like, OMG, I like, don't know."

Bernie sat back in his chair, folding his arms over his belly. "Sometimes I wish girls wouldn't talk like that," he said, "It's annoying."

"I know, right?" asked DJ.

"And that's all for today, class," said Ms. Sparkleheart, "I hope you all have a good day, and.."

"DUDE," shouted Richard, from the other side of the class. "WHY ARE WE IN SCHOOL?"

"It's summer school, you moron!"

"Oh, yeah.."

"The bus is here!" she called.

DJ grinned and poked Bernie. "See ya there, dude!"

Bernie hoisted himself up and went to the bus. "Yep."

-At the party-

Bernie wrapped his towel around himself and stood at the edge of the pool.

"Uh..." he said, slowly taking it off.

DJ grinned. "Berns is showing the bump!" he called.

"_DJ!" _scolded Bernie.

"Omg, lemme see!" squealed Rhonda.

"Um," Bernie said, covering his belly.

"Can I listen?" she asked.

"Uh... Sure..?"

Rhonda put her ear to Bernie's stomach, and he turned a bright red.

"Oh, Em, Gee," whispered Rhonda.

"It.. uh.. kicked..." Bernie said slowly.

"Oh em gee, oh em gee, oh em gee..." Rhonda said, running off.

A minute later Rhonda came back with Vinnie.

"Oh em gee, the baby was kicking," Rhonda was saying.

"Is everyone going to start feeling my baby?" asked Bernie.

Vinnie stared at Bernie's belly. "When are you due?" he asked.

"Um, September," Bernie said, flapping his wings a bit.

All of a sudden DJ ran up, splashing through the pool water. "Dude, someone's calling you," he said, holding out Bernie's green phone.

"Uh, it's the hospital," he said, flipping it open.

"What's the news?"

Bernie was silent. "Eliza's ready to come home!" he said, hoisting himself out of the pool and to his house.


	8. Baby shower

Bernie leaned against Eliza, breathing in her scent. She smelled like violets now. "I missed you," he whispered.

Eliza smiled. "So did I. Do you know how horrible the hospital food tastes? I never want to go back there again," she said, shuddering.

Bernie wrapped his arms around her. "Guess what tomorrow is.."

"Your birthday?" she asked.

"Well, yeah but, guess what tomorrow is _also_?"

"The Grandparents collide."

"That's gonna be fun to watch." Bernie said, forcing himself up. "I've got to eat again. I'm starving."

"You ate an hour ago."

"But that was then, this is now. And don't forget, I'm eating for two," Bernie said, exiting.

Bernie screamed when he saw every single family member he and Eliza had. All in the dining room. Eliza poofed up, and when she saw it too, she followed suit.

"It's time for the baby shower, silly!" exclaimed Bernie's grandmother.

"Eh.. Well, uh.." Bernie kept stammering.

"Yiekk, look how fat Uncle Bernie is," said Susie, Bernie's sister's child.

"That's not fat, that's a baby," Beth said to her daughter quickly.

Gonzo hugged Bernie. "So, now that the proud daddy to be is here, let's start!"

"This is so embarrassing..." Bernie groaned, pushing himself away from his father's grip.

"Nah, this is a family thing. We're all here, except your mom."

Yep. She's still in jail.

So when the time came to open the gifts, Bernie was about to cover his face and turn himself to dust. Everyone wanted to feel his baby kicking. And of course, the baby didn't stop kicking. Excitement made it move.

Bernie tore open the first gift. "A... pair of baby pants? With a chicken on it?"

Laura giggled. "Yep! I thought it was soooooo cute!"

"With a _chicken _on it?"

"Psst, Bernie, Laura raises chickens, remember?" whispered Rob.

"Ohh, I see now."

The other gifts were pointless but thoughtful as well. A rattle that played music. A crib that was a stroller at the same time. A teddy bear that made sounds that babies would hear inside the womb. A talking pillow. _Who makes this stuff?_

Thoughtful, yes. Necessary, no. He was expecting normal baby things. A normal rattle, a normal crib, a normal teddy bear, a normal pillow. At least the blanket and paint was normal.

When everybody had left, Gonzo stayed behind to ask, "So what did you think of all that funny baby equipment?"

"I thought they were the most unnecessary things known to fairies."


	9. Trouble begins

Bernie grinned. "Thanks for the takeout, Dad," he said. It was his birthday today, and his father had gotten him takeout and some cash.

"You're welcome."

It had been a pretty good day, but now, as the clock was turning to 3 PM, Bernie didn't feel good anymore. He was getting little cramps, from what, he had no idea.

Gonzo sensed Bernie wasn't feeling well, and said, "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah... I'm fine. The burgers aren't agreeing with me, that's all," Bernie said, rubbing his stomach.

Gonzo stared at him a long time and went back to his crossword puzzle.

Bernie went back to watching the television. He was watching Turn of the Wand. It was about fairies in the future, where Anti-fairies were taking over.

_Go Anti-fairies, _Bernie thought.

Then Drake, the fairy in the show with a stutter and bi-colored eyes, got trapped in a butterfly net. _How original. _

But the pain wasn't going away. Instead, it was getting stronger. And now, he realized, his belly was hardening. But he wasn't due yet for a week.

But it was half-funny, because at the scene where Yvonne, a gold-haired fairy with a reputation for a short temper, got gutted, that's when the first real contraction hit.

"Ow!" yelped Bernie, bolting upright.

His father only sighed. "The baby's coming, isn't it?"

"Yes..." Bernie whispered, sliding out of the chair.

"Okay," Gonzo said, putting down the newspaper and picking his son up as if picking up a kitten, "Then let's get us a baby." Gonzo lifted his wand and poofed him to the hospital.

The woman at the desk nearly jumped out of her chair. "Name?" she asked.

"Bernard Cosma..." Bernie said.

"Good, date of birth?"

"September eighth 863.."

"Address?"

"5663 Hocus Pocus Avenue..."

"What's the issue?"

"Having a baby..."

"Yeah, and get him in a wheelchair or something. I think he's gonna pass out,'' Gonzo said.

"Alright. Your phone number is 123-809-7712?"

"Yes.." Bernie said. And then Bernie blacked out.

"Oh, my God," Gonzo said, "I knew he wouldn't deal with that well."

The nurses dragged Bernie back into the Paternity Ward, and Gonzo called Eliza on Bernie's phone.

Muffled speaking from Eliza to her mother and then, "Yes?"

"This is your Father- in- law- to- be. We have an issue."

"And that is?"

"Bernie's having the baby."

"_Now?"_

"Yes, now."

"OhmiGod I'll be right there."


	10. The baby

The hospital bed groaned with the weight of Bernie and his unborn baby. Didn't help that Bernie was constantly scooting around in the bed, screaming, lunging at Eliza, cursing...

"Okay, buddy, take deep breaths. You've got at least four hours, they said, before you're dilated enough to push," Gonzo said, leaning against the wall.

_"Four hours?! _I'll never survive!" wailed Bernie, gripping Aunt Delilah's wrist tightly.

Aunt Delilah yelped. "He's got a strong grip for a eighteen year old," she said. And then her wrist snapped. "Too strong a grip if you ask me," she said, wincing.

"Sorry Aunt Delilah," Bernie apologized. It's just- _ARGH!"_

Eliza hung in the corner of the room staying as far from Bernie as she could get. "Don't worry, sweetie, you'll be okay once the baby-"

"_I don't give a damn! _Just make it stopp..."

"Err, I'm not helping, am I?"

"No," Gonzo said sadly, shaking his head, "I'm afraid you're not helping at all.."

"After this, I am _not _having a baby again. This is too painful- _GOD DAMMIT!"_

Aunt Delilah rubbed her broken wrist. "I've got to go.. At least this is a hospital.."

"Don't go! Who am I going to cling to if you're not here?"

"You'll be fine, Bernie, don't worry about it," Gonzo said soothingly. "I went through this three times. It all gets better from here."

"You wish! I've been in labor for _five hours _and I've barely dilated at all!" Bernie said sharply.

"Sweetie, your dad's right. It can't get any worse then this. You're swearing, and you never swear," Eliza said softly.

"_YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU FUCKING CUNT!"_

"Eee..." Eliza said, inching towards the door.

"How do you even know these words, Bernie?" Gonzo asked, shocked that Bernie even knew four swear words.

"I just fucking remember when I was a Goddamn baby- _SON OF A BITCH!"_

"How bad are the contractions?" Gonzo asked, "Like from a one to a ten?"

"A TEN! Get it outttttt.." Bernie wailed.

"Bernie, we can do a C-section, but then you're going to hurt after you have the baby."

"OW! _I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HER!" _Bernie spat.

"Yes.. And I'm going to get a doctor.." Eliza said, flying out the door, narrowly missing a blast of magic that would have burned her to a crisp.

Gonzo petted his son's hand. "Shh.. You're okay... It's going to be over soon..."

Bernie sobbed into his father's hair. "I just want this baby out so bad..."

"I know, when I was having you, in the room across from this one- well, you remember your mom's scar on her arm?"

"Yes.."

"I stabbed her with my wand."

"Yikes, that's bad," Bernie said, his voice rising, meaning another contraction was coming.

Gonzo rubbed Bernie's back slowly. "It's going to be okay."

Bernie curled up as well as he could in his father's arms. Gonzo was being curious, so he set his hand directly on Bernie's belly. It was hot through the covers, round, and hard. It had also gotten considerably larger in the five hours they'd been there. Bernie held on to his father for dear life it seemed, and Gonzo knew it was for security.

The doctor came in with Eliza at her side.

"'Ello, I'm Dr. Wandsworth, how do you do?" asked the bluish- purple haired fairy with large breasts and a well-to-do accent.

"Pain," Bernie gasped.

"Labor," Gonzo explained in one word.

"I see. I take this is your first time, yes?" Dr. Wandsworth said softly.

"Yes... Get it out.."

"I see. We'll see what we can do."

Dr. Wandsworth checked Bernie's dilation, which, to everyone's surprise and joy, had shot up from five to nine centimeters.

"So, how long before- OW- I can have my baby..?" Bernie said.

"Well, you really only need to dilate one more centimeter before you can start pushing, but first your water must break."

"Speaking of which, I think it just did," Bernie gasped. Bernie screamed as another contraction hit, this one harder then any of the others.

The bed moaned again as Bernie fell back onto the raised part of the bed. "Can you come outttttt yet-OW," Bernie asked, looking at the enormous bulge in the blankets. ''_YIKES- _This is too muchhhh cut it outttt.." Bernie sobbed.

"If you really want, we can try you pushing now," Dr. Wandsworth said softly.

"Okay, let's try."

Dr. Wandsworth placed Bernie's legs on the rests on either side of the bed, and told him to push.

"If I don't die of pain first I'm going to die of embarrassment," Bernie said, preparing himself to push.

"Alright, once again, one, two, three, push," Dr. Wandsworth said, sitting down in front of him.

Bernie screamed and obviously pushed as hard as he could.

"Again. one, two, three, push," Dr. Wandsworth repeated.

Bernie pushed again, and he felt something sliding down.

-Fifteen minutes later-

"Aaand it's out!" Dr. Wandsworth said, pulling out a green-haired fairy baby. A male nurse snipped the umbilical cord, and cleaned the baby, saying, "It's a boy."

Eliza finally came over to Bernie, who looked and felt as if he'd gotten hit by a train. "You okay?" she asked.

Bernie turned to look at her slowly. "I just had your baby after six and a half hours of labor and you ask me if I'm okay?"

"You're not okay, are you?"

"No. I think I'm going to scream hallelujah and dance my pants off, why?"

"Well, that fits.."

The nurse handed the baby over to Bernie, who snorted and said, "Holy buckets, look at that nose!"

Eliza smiled. "Looks like my dad," she said. "What're you going to name him?"

"You name him, I'm going to bend over, something I haven't done since the middle of July," Bernie said, handing the baby over to Eliza and bending over in the bed. "There isn't a basketball clinging to me any more!"

Eliza picked up the baby and said, "So what do you think I should name you?"

He only opened one eye and made a gurgling noise.

"I'll name you.. Schnozmo, and don't hate me for that in the future, okay?"

Bernie laughed. "He's gonna hate you..''


End file.
